Week 15 Day 3

   I recently went to see Transformers 3 in the theatre with a friend.  It never ceases to amaze me when I see parents bringing children who are much too young in to a movie that is inappropriate.

   I know I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I was extra appalled at the dysfunction of the parents in this particular case.  At first the dad was sitting to my right with the daughter.  The mother later came in the theatre with their son and all kinds of food that would make Jaime Oliver’s head spin.

   The mother apparently didn’t like the spot that her partner had picked and wanted to move down the aisle a bit.  But he was fine right where he was and remained obstinate about not wanting to move.  At this point the mother and children are sitting to the left of my friend and the father to my right.  Before long the daughter comes over and asks her daddy to come sit with them.  He grudgingly joins them a couple minutes later.

   How many examples of assness?  Let me count the ways.  1.  Public display of infantile disagreement to the point of poutily sitting in your own corners.  2.  Using your child to make your spouse do what you want.  3.  Not paying enough attention to the children in the first place. (I estimated them to be between 3 and 5.)  And finally: 4.  Bringing them to a movie in which huge killer robots are vaporizing citizens of Chicago dozens at a time.

   I’m sure there’s much more that I’m missing.  But I have to wonder, will things like this bother me less when I am a parent myself?  Will they bother me more?  Am I extra judgy now when I can be righteously indignant without kids?  I love movies and I know I will miss them, but please don’t let me be the ass who takes kids who are too young to the movies.

Week 15 Day 1

   “Don’t Lie to Kids” says the sticker on my wife’s laptop computer.  But I recently attended a picnic where I witnessed an exception.  The kid was 2 and being fed a pancake with strawberry jam on it.  A single bite ended up on the ground apparently ending the world for this child.  Despite the majority of pancake still available on the plate, he HAD to have the one bite that he lost on the ground and was inconsolable otherwise.

   I watched the parent deftly distract the child and kick the morsel away from the table.  Even though the fallen pancake bite was nowhere to be seen, the child still desired it.  At which point the mother told her child that she already put it back on the plate.  With that, the child calmed down and decided he could finish the pancake.  And a dog got a really good treat.

   I sat there in awe of this slick maneuver.  Not a beat was missed between the time that the pancake bite was kicked away and the little white lie calmed the two year old.  I’m sure this comes with experience but I was still immensely impressed with how smoothly and quickly it all happened.  And I have no doubt that this is a lie that will never come back to mother or child.

   Generally speaking, I think someone who lies to kids is an ass.  But there are clearly shades of gray here in which lying benefits everyone involved. Now comes the fun part of trying to navigate the different shades of ass and hope that my ass-meter never tips too far to the right.

Week 14 Day 6

   Camping in the second trimester is much more successful than camping in the first.  Even though it rained making two very soggy mornings, the trip was a complete success.  As long as you define success with staying both nights that the reservation was made.

   I think I even managed to keep from being too much of an ass.  Except for maybe the one time I poisoned everyone with melted plastic.  I was cooking the bacon but only had a metal spatula to tend the bacon with.  At home I typically use a fork, so I grabbed the nearest fork which happened to be plastic.  Not sure why my brain wasn’t working properly but I didn’t even notice it until ½” of the fork tines were melted together and the acrid smell of the melted plastic filled the fresh outdoors air.  Oopsy.  And I overcooked the bacon which is a crime in and of itself.  Because let’s face it, bacon may very well be the perfect food. 

   Bacon comes from a pig, but I pulled an ass.