Week 17 Day 1

   The kid is already like me.  It was poking my wife in the side repeatedly at work yesterday.  Of course, when I do it it’s metaphorical.

   This is the first time she noticed this happening during the day.  Usually if she’s felt anything so far, it’s been during the night.  The baby’s been moving throughout, but according to the pregnancy app on my phone, it now weighs 7 ounces and is about 7 inches from head to foot, so it’s finally getting big enough to notice.  As my wife said, “It’s cute now but wait until it starts doing Tae-Kwon-Do in there.”

   And I’m having more frequent moments of “What the hell are we doing?!”  or “How many ways will I screw up our kid?”

   But then I calm myself by watching videos of babies laughing.  Like this one.  I’m not sure what chemical change happens in my body but videos like these have a calming effect.  I can only imagine the effect it will have when it is my own baby.

Week 16 day 5

   The midwife heard my baby’s heartbeat yesterday.  I tried to use the fetoscope but could hardly hear my wife’s heartbeat let alone the baby’s.  And I know she has one so I’ll just have to trust the midwife. 

   This is pretty exciting.  I don’t really show my excitement much, except when I’m watching Starwars (episodes 4, 5 & 6)  I probably didn’t do much more than smile reaaal big yesterday.  But I think I may have been doing somersaults in my brain. 

   Except for the crib, which we will be borrowing from friends, the nursery is pretty much set up.  Here’s a shot:

Note the James Hance Winnie the Pooh/Starwars mashup artwork.  If my child doesn’t like Starwars I may have to pull a Luke at the end of Empire Strikes Back. “Noooooooooo!”  And then heave a big sigh and just support my child and whatever interests they develop.  Otherwise, I’d be an ass if I forced something even as cool as Starwars on my child.

Week 16 day 3

   We all suffer from irrational fears.  I’m always paranoid that I’m driving on a flat tire, for example.  I will also jump if surprised by snakes & spiders (don’t worry, no actual pics of them here).   The Japanese Goblin Shark gives me nightmares (this one is the real thing).  But after that first second of surprise passes, I’m typically able to deal with most of these issues.  And I will never swim in waters where goblin sharks exist.

   This makes me the best candidate to take care of any stray critters in our household.  Fortunately, we haven’t had to deal with snakes, but lots of spiders take up residence here.  I’m perfectly happy to do this.  In fact, very little makes me feel manlier than gallantly protecting the household from these mostly benign denizens.

   Moths are harder to track down and catch, but I’m happy to take care of them, too.

   These are all things that I can exert some control over.  The biggest fears I have are things that I know I will have no control over.  Watching my wife struggle with discomfort is a great example.  And as hard a time I am having with that, I can only image what it will be like for my child.  Life would be so much easier if we could only have problems that we know how to deal with.  Less opportunities for feeling like an ass, too.

Week 15 Day 7

   So far I feel like I’ve been doing a pretty good job of helping to take care of my wife during these first 4 months of pregnancy.  I would almost say it’s been relatively easy, but I hesitate to go that far because I’m able to do a whole lot more while on summer vacation.  It pretty nice not to have to worry about a million things going on at work. 

   I know that this whole pregnancy thing is going to get much more difficult when summer vacation is over.  My wife has observed that during the summer months, I am more present and engaged when not thinking about work. 

   I should have been working on this long ago for our own benefit.  Now I need to try to figure out how to keep the same level of attachment while working full time with a wife that is becoming more and more pregnant.

   Hopefully, I can figure it out in the coming months.  Because if I don’t, I have no doubt that our child will observe the same thing and I would hate for them to feel that detachment and then associate it with school.  If there’s one thing I’ve observed lately, it’s that kids are much smarter and more intuitive than adults typically give them credit for.

   I will happily be an ass if it means not screwing up my kid…  I don’t think it works that way, however.

Week 15 Day 3

   I recently went to see Transformers 3 in the theatre with a friend.  It never ceases to amaze me when I see parents bringing children who are much too young in to a movie that is inappropriate.

   I know I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I was extra appalled at the dysfunction of the parents in this particular case.  At first the dad was sitting to my right with the daughter.  The mother later came in the theatre with their son and all kinds of food that would make Jaime Oliver’s head spin.

   The mother apparently didn’t like the spot that her partner had picked and wanted to move down the aisle a bit.  But he was fine right where he was and remained obstinate about not wanting to move.  At this point the mother and children are sitting to the left of my friend and the father to my right.  Before long the daughter comes over and asks her daddy to come sit with them.  He grudgingly joins them a couple minutes later.

   How many examples of assness?  Let me count the ways.  1.  Public display of infantile disagreement to the point of poutily sitting in your own corners.  2.  Using your child to make your spouse do what you want.  3.  Not paying enough attention to the children in the first place. (I estimated them to be between 3 and 5.)  And finally: 4.  Bringing them to a movie in which huge killer robots are vaporizing citizens of Chicago dozens at a time.

   I’m sure there’s much more that I’m missing.  But I have to wonder, will things like this bother me less when I am a parent myself?  Will they bother me more?  Am I extra judgy now when I can be righteously indignant without kids?  I love movies and I know I will miss them, but please don’t let me be the ass who takes kids who are too young to the movies.

Week 15 Day 1

   “Don’t Lie to Kids” says the sticker on my wife’s laptop computer.  But I recently attended a picnic where I witnessed an exception.  The kid was 2 and being fed a pancake with strawberry jam on it.  A single bite ended up on the ground apparently ending the world for this child.  Despite the majority of pancake still available on the plate, he HAD to have the one bite that he lost on the ground and was inconsolable otherwise.

   I watched the parent deftly distract the child and kick the morsel away from the table.  Even though the fallen pancake bite was nowhere to be seen, the child still desired it.  At which point the mother told her child that she already put it back on the plate.  With that, the child calmed down and decided he could finish the pancake.  And a dog got a really good treat.

   I sat there in awe of this slick maneuver.  Not a beat was missed between the time that the pancake bite was kicked away and the little white lie calmed the two year old.  I’m sure this comes with experience but I was still immensely impressed with how smoothly and quickly it all happened.  And I have no doubt that this is a lie that will never come back to mother or child.

   Generally speaking, I think someone who lies to kids is an ass.  But there are clearly shades of gray here in which lying benefits everyone involved. Now comes the fun part of trying to navigate the different shades of ass and hope that my ass-meter never tips too far to the right.

Week 14 Day 6

   Camping in the second trimester is much more successful than camping in the first.  Even though it rained making two very soggy mornings, the trip was a complete success.  As long as you define success with staying both nights that the reservation was made.

   I think I even managed to keep from being too much of an ass.  Except for maybe the one time I poisoned everyone with melted plastic.  I was cooking the bacon but only had a metal spatula to tend the bacon with.  At home I typically use a fork, so I grabbed the nearest fork which happened to be plastic.  Not sure why my brain wasn’t working properly but I didn’t even notice it until ½” of the fork tines were melted together and the acrid smell of the melted plastic filled the fresh outdoors air.  Oopsy.  And I overcooked the bacon which is a crime in and of itself.  Because let’s face it, bacon may very well be the perfect food. 

   Bacon comes from a pig, but I pulled an ass.