Week 21 Day 1

   Since I’m still kind of on this rant, I’d just like to add that we REALLY love the comments that go something like this: “Enjoy it now while you can.”  Or “Get all the sleep you can now because you won’t get any once the baby is born.”

   Let’s examine these statements shall we?  “Enjoy it now while you can”?  This insinuates that we haven’t been enjoying it so we’d better start.  (Never mind that we’ve been married for 11 glorious years and are ready to make our already awesome family plus one.) 

   Or maybe a statement like this suggests that once the baby is here we’re never going to enjoy anything again for the rest of our lives.  If this were the case, why didn’t the human race become extinct long ago?  I know people mean well when they say things like this, but I really just feel sad for them because they are either lying through their teeth or they missed something vital.  (I say that now)

   And get all our sleep now?  What, can I bank it?  If I sleep for 72 straight hours, can I save it for when I really need it?  No?  I didn’t think so.  And last time I checked, I’m still employed and this employment is responsible for the standard of living that we’ve become accustomed to.

   I don’t think I will be able to repeat this enough:  The only thing we know is that we don’t know how much our lives will change.  We know we’re going to get tired.  We know that this is going to be hard.  We know that once we become parents, we will never cease to be parents.  And we don’t know just how intense all of these things will be. 

   But all you existing parents out there:  do you really have to rub it in?  I’m trying real hard not to be an ass but you’re not making it any easier on me. 

   I hope when the shoe is on the other foot (ours) we can find something else to say to our pregnant friends/family/children thus breaking the circle of assyness.

Week 20 Day 5

   Questions she/we find irritating:

*What’s the sex of the baby?

*How are you feeling?

*When is the due date?

*Have you thought about names?

Instead, we would prefer these questions:

*Are you planning to find out the sex? 

   Please note: sex and gender are not the same.  Ultrasounds are still a relatively recent development.  (And not 100% accurate)  Why do people insist on knowing the sex of their baby when their parents, grandparents and thousands of years of ancestors didn’t know?

*Is it a good or a bad day? 

   Because really, what is a pregnant woman supposed to say when you ask her how she’s feeling?  “um.. I don’t know… PREGNANT?”  “Like my insides are getting pushed all around”  “Like my cartilage is turning to jell-o in order to loosen everything up to give birth.”

*How far along is the baby? 

   The baby will come when it is darn good and ready.  So the due date is a deceptive term.  It’s an estimate.  We don’t know the due date.  Nobody does.  But we do know how long since conception.

*No alternative to the names question. 

   Yes.  Of course we’ve thought about names.  We’re having a baby for goodness sake!  We’re planning for the future.  How could we NOT think about names.  You’ll find out what its name is when you meet it.

My feelings coincide with my partner’s for the most part.  I will never truly know what it’s like to support another living being inside my own body.  At least not until the earth gets invaded by some parasitic alien life form.  But even then, I bet it will be different.  And because of this I will never truly understand her reaction to the question “How are you feeling?”  I think I can understand it, but I will never understand it.  To say I do makes me an ass.

Week 19 Day 1

   The baby is a kickpuncher.  Apparently it can really do a number.  According to my wife, it feels like this kind of number.  Which I guess isn’t surprising since it looks something like this:  (Look!  It has eyebrows!)  And brain cells are growing by 100,000 every second!

   We’re going to wait to find out the sex of the baby which is why I keep referring to it as “it”.  There are very few real “surprises” in this world and this is one of them.  (My wife’s words and very accurate I think)  I’ve heard stories of couples wanting to keep it a secret, went in for an ultrasound and the technician spilled the beans.  So we’re not getting an ultrasound either.  Plus the effects of ultrasounds on a developing fetus are still largely unknown.

   Sometimes the best way to keep from being an ass is to do nothing at all!

Week 17 Day 5

   It’s our 11 year anniversary and we just got back from Ashland to see some great theatre at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.  And the city of Ashland is awe-some.  We again ate at our favorite restaurant, Tabu, where we.. ahem, shared a glass of wine.  Apparently, at this point in the pregnancy, a glass of wine once a month, week or even a day does not hurt the growing fetus.  (As stated in this article.)  I was completely unaware of this and was immensely scared that should even an ounce of alcohol touch the lips of my wife, our baby would instantly develop some horrible deformation like 3 eyes or 17 tails. (That would actually be kind of cool).

   Anyway, this appears to be common knowledge outside the good ol’ US of A.  So I find that among this, and many other things (like cesarean sections and home births), we are slightly behind the curve.  I find myself wondering again why this is.  I think my wife summed it up best when she said, “We are living in a country that loves its family values but doesn’t value its families.”  Ouch.  To the point and absolutely correct in my opinion.

   But I digress.  What I originally was going to say is that in my previous declarations to forego alcohol in solidarity with my wife… I was apparently being an ass.  Cheers!

Week 14 Day 6

   Camping in the second trimester is much more successful than camping in the first.  Even though it rained making two very soggy mornings, the trip was a complete success.  As long as you define success with staying both nights that the reservation was made.

   I think I even managed to keep from being too much of an ass.  Except for maybe the one time I poisoned everyone with melted plastic.  I was cooking the bacon but only had a metal spatula to tend the bacon with.  At home I typically use a fork, so I grabbed the nearest fork which happened to be plastic.  Not sure why my brain wasn’t working properly but I didn’t even notice it until ½” of the fork tines were melted together and the acrid smell of the melted plastic filled the fresh outdoors air.  Oopsy.  And I overcooked the bacon which is a crime in and of itself.  Because let’s face it, bacon may very well be the perfect food. 

   Bacon comes from a pig, but I pulled an ass.