4 Months 6 days

   Next to the guy I saw at Target, I was not an ass today. 

After taking my daughter to my wife’s work for a breastfeeding session, Von Bebe and I went to Target to pick up a couple of things.  So I get to the store, put her in the Mei Tai and we’re off. 

   Baby in Mei Tai, diaper bag over shoulder and red Target basket in hand I head towards the baby section for more Dr. Brown’s glass bottles.  I noticed a nice looking family; 2 parents and their two kids.  The youngest was in the shopping cart while the older sister was of toddler age and staying close to mom who was pushing the cart. 

   Just a warning, I’m about to get really judgmental here which is unfair of me since I don’t know all the facts.  But this is what I saw and heard.

   The mother and two kids were near me as we were both shopping for baby stuff.  The daughter and mother were haggling with each other about what to get.  This added a new dimension to the term “whining”. (The daughter was pretty bad, too)  If I stuck around much longer, I’d swear somebody was going to mention needing power converters from Toshi Station.  (Let me know if you get that reference)

   Then I see the husband walking up and down every aisle of the store talking on his cell phone… very loudly.  Again, I don’t know the details of the phone conversation so maybe he had a good reason to wander away from his family.  Maybe the guy was dealing with a family emergency.  But his body language didn’t suggest anything so desperate.

   Then it reminded me of an article I read recently about husbands of a certain… type.  Here it is from the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  Yes, this guy struck me as a douchey dad.

   I like these people.  They make me feel so much better about myself.

Meanwhile, Von Bebe has been joining us at the dinner table for a week or two, now.  She can even sit up on her own for a few second at a time, too.

???? 4 Months +

   I’ve lost track of weeks.  So I’m going to stop trying.  Von Bebe is 4 months, 4 days old. 

   Starting today, I am a full time stay-at-home-dad (SAHD) for about 3 months.  My job rocks.  I work for a college so I already get summers off, and I was able to split my FMLA leave so I get another month off now.  This works out really great because my wife goes back full time starting tomorrow. 

   However, this puts the two of us in an awkward position.  Whereas I am excited to spend the days with my daughter, my wife is really struggling with going back full time.  For about half a second, we actually considered the option of her quitting to permanently be a stay-at-home-mom.  But this would be difficult as we’ve gotten really used to the double income.  Plus, as difficult as it is, we both really love our jobs.  The work is very satisfying and we do really cool stuff!  I don’t think either one of us would last very long as stay-at-home-parents. 

   Despite how awesome my job is, it is the nature of my work to keep me away in the evenings for 2 weeks at a time four times throughout the year.  Which is why there has been very little from me over the last week.  Those weeks were already hard.  Now that I have a daughter along with a perfect wife, they seem agonizing.  I’m already trying to figure out what I’m going to say to her when I’m working over Halloween and can’t go trick or treating with her.

   This being a father thing is difficult.  And it is impossible to do it without being as ass at one time or another.

   Oh, and I totally nicked her with nail clippers today.  Yeah.  That sucked, too.  And my wife blames me for teaching her to spit.  

16 Weeks 6 Days old

   I almost ended the day without being an ass.  Then I dropped my daughter.  Well… not really dropped per se, but we were practicing sitting and she fell over.  And bonked her chin right on mom’s hard shin bone. 

   Immediately after there was a 2 second pause followed by a great deal of screaming/crying.  It didn’t help that it was right before feeding time.

   I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.  I think I even mentioned it here months ago along with a link to a video of dads hurting their kids. 

   I guess as far as bonks go, this one wasn’t that bad.  Still no emergency room visit yet… (*knock knock*) and she’s almost 4 months old.  That’s a streak I’d like to keep until.. oh, her 30^th birthday or so.

   I’m sure it will happen again.  And I will mention it here when it does for all the world to see.  Does writing about it make me as much of an ass as the act of inadvertently causing pain and discomfort?  Or does letting the dog lick her make me more of an ass?

16 Weeks 5 Days old

   Just when I thought everything was going so well with the bottle, Von Bebe and I had a bad day.  She only had a few drops all morning.  And of course, this on the day that we have an outing to try out some new baby wearing gear.  But that’s another blog entry.

   Bottle feeding and breast feeding are two totally different things.  I, like most Americans, grew up in a society where breast feeding is a pretty taboo thing.  Hopefully, that is changing.  There are so many expectations about breasts and breastfeeding that men have basically been set up to feel inadequate and unprepared for many months after the birth of their child.  But don’t take my word for it.  Check it out here.  Thanks, Hollywood, for making me feel like an ass.

   Obviously, breastfeeding is something that I will never have a chance to experience myself.  I see the connection between my wife and daughter when it is feeding time and can’t help but get a little jealous.  (Of both child AND mother) 

   Not to mention, how awesome would it be to just flip up my shirt when my daughter is hungry.  It would save so much time!  As it is, I have to turn on the sink to get hot tap water, get a bottle out of the fridge (assuming I’ve already prepared a bottle!) and warm up the bottle.  By this time, my daughter could be so upset that she’s not really interested in eating any more.  I’ve gotten pretty good at anticipating feeding times.  But when the routine gets switched up on us, I’m lost.

   As my wife just pointed out, I may have neglected to mention the commitment and sacrifice required by BOTH partners in our endeavor to solely breastfeed for at least 6 months.  (What?  It’s not just about me?)  I’m not the one who has to flip out my taboo body part to nourish our child.  I’m not the one who has to pump when I’m at work.  And I’m not the one who is waking up 2 hours every night. 

   Why do it?  Lots of studies show the importance of breastfeeding.  Many good reasons here.  And it seems there is some benefit to delaying solids until 6 months as it says here.  But then when I look for more information online I find this which says we may harm our baby if we only breastfeed for 6 months.  Can’t win either way.  I guess we’ll just have to use our instincts.

   But as for the bottle feeding, it gets better.  Some days are easy.  Most are not.  Every day is worth it… for this.

16 Week 3 Days old

   I’ve had Paul Simon’s Father and Daughter stuck in my head all day.  Songs didn’t use to have an effect on my like they do now.  Also, sitcoms or movies with fathers and daughters cause a similar gut wrenching emotional response.  Even shows like Castle move me in ways that I didn’t think would happen a year ago.  However, I imagine that Schwarzenegger’s Commando (boy, that took me back) or True Lies would not have the same outcome.  Maybe it’s because I could never see myself in the shoes of the characters filled by Arnie.  Or maybe it’s because he’s a Hummer driving stogie chomping republican.  Not that I could ever see myself in the shoes of Fillian’s Castle, either.  But sleuthing my way through crimes seems nicer than blowing up the world.  It sets a better example for my daughter as I attempt to not be an ass.

16 Weeks 2 Days Old

   Here’s how I’m an ass this week.  I exposed my daughter to something that produced an allergic reaction in the form of a rash over every square inch of her body.  Not once, but twice!  (It took us that long to figure out it was something in the crib)  And I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because it’s not like I knew it was going to happen or what was causing it.  That still doesn’t make it any easier to watch her suffer.  Knowing she is experiencing discomfort and knowing there is not a gosh darn thing I can do about it just plain stinks.  I can only imagine how I’ll feel if there is ever a broken limb or a tonsillectomy.

 On top of this, we suspect teething pains are adding to her discomfort.  She’s been so vocal that her voice went a little hoarse.  Listen for yourself:

   At first we were so proud of her for exploring her vocal range.  Then we realized that no, she’s just raspy.  Poor lil’ girl.

   We’re still not sure what the allergy reaction was to specifically.  We narrowed it down to a waterproof pad that goes under her in the case of fountaining pee episodes.  Not sure what is in the pad that made her break out so bad.  Further investigation is required.  And hopefully no more full body rashes.

15 Weeks Old

When complaining about not getting enough sleep, don’t do it to your wife who is breastfeeding...  and up every two hours of every night.  That being said, I did NOT sleep well last night.

   That is how I’m trying not to be an ass this week.

Meanwhile, I’ve gotten really good at reading Fox in Socks to Emmy. 

Bim’s Broom and Ben’s broom still gets me tripped up.  Especially when we get to the big pig broom band.  But Von Bebe seems to like it and this is one book I don’t mind reading… over and over and over again.  For now, anyway.

  Don’t let the pictures fool you.  We’ve had a rough couple of mornings.  We think her gums are really starting to bother her and the tools we use to calm here are getting fewer and fewer.  She’s too big for me to hold and walk around the kitchen any more.  I can’t believe how quickly she’s growing and I can’t believe how much I already miss being able to simply walk her to sleep before bed every night.  The difference between 10 and 14 pounds feels much bigger than just 4 pounds.