Week 16 day 3

   We all suffer from irrational fears.  I’m always paranoid that I’m driving on a flat tire, for example.  I will also jump if surprised by snakes & spiders (don’t worry, no actual pics of them here).   The Japanese Goblin Shark gives me nightmares (this one is the real thing).  But after that first second of surprise passes, I’m typically able to deal with most of these issues.  And I will never swim in waters where goblin sharks exist.

   This makes me the best candidate to take care of any stray critters in our household.  Fortunately, we haven’t had to deal with snakes, but lots of spiders take up residence here.  I’m perfectly happy to do this.  In fact, very little makes me feel manlier than gallantly protecting the household from these mostly benign denizens.

   Moths are harder to track down and catch, but I’m happy to take care of them, too.

   These are all things that I can exert some control over.  The biggest fears I have are things that I know I will have no control over.  Watching my wife struggle with discomfort is a great example.  And as hard a time I am having with that, I can only image what it will be like for my child.  Life would be so much easier if we could only have problems that we know how to deal with.  Less opportunities for feeling like an ass, too.

Week 15 Day 7

   So far I feel like I’ve been doing a pretty good job of helping to take care of my wife during these first 4 months of pregnancy.  I would almost say it’s been relatively easy, but I hesitate to go that far because I’m able to do a whole lot more while on summer vacation.  It pretty nice not to have to worry about a million things going on at work. 

   I know that this whole pregnancy thing is going to get much more difficult when summer vacation is over.  My wife has observed that during the summer months, I am more present and engaged when not thinking about work. 

   I should have been working on this long ago for our own benefit.  Now I need to try to figure out how to keep the same level of attachment while working full time with a wife that is becoming more and more pregnant.

   Hopefully, I can figure it out in the coming months.  Because if I don’t, I have no doubt that our child will observe the same thing and I would hate for them to feel that detachment and then associate it with school.  If there’s one thing I’ve observed lately, it’s that kids are much smarter and more intuitive than adults typically give them credit for.

   I will happily be an ass if it means not screwing up my kid…  I don’t think it works that way, however.

Week 15 Day 3

   I recently went to see Transformers 3 in the theatre with a friend.  It never ceases to amaze me when I see parents bringing children who are much too young in to a movie that is inappropriate.

   I know I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I was extra appalled at the dysfunction of the parents in this particular case.  At first the dad was sitting to my right with the daughter.  The mother later came in the theatre with their son and all kinds of food that would make Jaime Oliver’s head spin.

   The mother apparently didn’t like the spot that her partner had picked and wanted to move down the aisle a bit.  But he was fine right where he was and remained obstinate about not wanting to move.  At this point the mother and children are sitting to the left of my friend and the father to my right.  Before long the daughter comes over and asks her daddy to come sit with them.  He grudgingly joins them a couple minutes later.

   How many examples of assness?  Let me count the ways.  1.  Public display of infantile disagreement to the point of poutily sitting in your own corners.  2.  Using your child to make your spouse do what you want.  3.  Not paying enough attention to the children in the first place. (I estimated them to be between 3 and 5.)  And finally: 4.  Bringing them to a movie in which huge killer robots are vaporizing citizens of Chicago dozens at a time.

   I’m sure there’s much more that I’m missing.  But I have to wonder, will things like this bother me less when I am a parent myself?  Will they bother me more?  Am I extra judgy now when I can be righteously indignant without kids?  I love movies and I know I will miss them, but please don’t let me be the ass who takes kids who are too young to the movies.

Week 15 Day 1

   “Don’t Lie to Kids” says the sticker on my wife’s laptop computer.  But I recently attended a picnic where I witnessed an exception.  The kid was 2 and being fed a pancake with strawberry jam on it.  A single bite ended up on the ground apparently ending the world for this child.  Despite the majority of pancake still available on the plate, he HAD to have the one bite that he lost on the ground and was inconsolable otherwise.

   I watched the parent deftly distract the child and kick the morsel away from the table.  Even though the fallen pancake bite was nowhere to be seen, the child still desired it.  At which point the mother told her child that she already put it back on the plate.  With that, the child calmed down and decided he could finish the pancake.  And a dog got a really good treat.

   I sat there in awe of this slick maneuver.  Not a beat was missed between the time that the pancake bite was kicked away and the little white lie calmed the two year old.  I’m sure this comes with experience but I was still immensely impressed with how smoothly and quickly it all happened.  And I have no doubt that this is a lie that will never come back to mother or child.

   Generally speaking, I think someone who lies to kids is an ass.  But there are clearly shades of gray here in which lying benefits everyone involved. Now comes the fun part of trying to navigate the different shades of ass and hope that my ass-meter never tips too far to the right.

Week 14 Day 6

   Camping in the second trimester is much more successful than camping in the first.  Even though it rained making two very soggy mornings, the trip was a complete success.  As long as you define success with staying both nights that the reservation was made.

   I think I even managed to keep from being too much of an ass.  Except for maybe the one time I poisoned everyone with melted plastic.  I was cooking the bacon but only had a metal spatula to tend the bacon with.  At home I typically use a fork, so I grabbed the nearest fork which happened to be plastic.  Not sure why my brain wasn’t working properly but I didn’t even notice it until ½” of the fork tines were melted together and the acrid smell of the melted plastic filled the fresh outdoors air.  Oopsy.  And I overcooked the bacon which is a crime in and of itself.  Because let’s face it, bacon may very well be the perfect food. 

   Bacon comes from a pig, but I pulled an ass.

Week 14 Day 2

   I hope that I can be a little like the father in this story: http://gamesbyemail.com/WoodTape/Default.htm

   Kids are smart if we let them be.  If my kid ever asks me for the “wood tape” or any other nonsensical item, I hope to have the patience to go along with their plan, no matter how outlandish is seems. 

   In my line of work, I don’t really get to use the word “no” and that is a great thing.  When confronted with a challenge, the answer should never be “no”.  I hope to respond with “what are we really trying to do?” or “how else can we accomplish this?”

   Kids can seriously teach us a few things about doing the impossible or looking at things in a different way.

   Kids are not asses.  It is not possible.  So at what age do we become eligible in ass-ness?

Week 14 Day 1

   I really don’t know what the heck I’m doing.  But I can take solace in the fact that pretty much nobody knows what they’re doing when it comes to having their first kid.

   I’ve mentioned how fortunate we are to have 10 years of getting to know each other to back us up when we have a defenseless infant to protect.  I really can’t imagine deciding to have a child within a year or two of being together.  I know things were different for our parents and I have a great deal of respect for them and everyone of that generation.

   Being in my mid thirties, I would have thought I would be more prepared for parenthood.  And in some ways I am.  I am more patient than I was 10 years ago.  More in touch with myself and my partner

   But I still feel just as ill equipped and unprepared to do all the basic stuff like changing diapers, feeding and doctor’s visits.  Only now I am confidant that all of these things will come with time and a younger version of me might have been more prone to panicking.  But I’m sure it will be nothing like this and I will end up panicking anyway.